The need to be myself....oh Lord Help Me!!!

Oh I'm constantly thinking...and thinking...and worrying...
Constantly trying to monitor my actions, my words....
Constantly trying not to: step on toes, hurt people's feelings, be too animated, be any black female stereotype 
This gets tiring...
And it's not a need to please, it's a need for those around me not to hate me.  There is always that voice in the back of my head saying...you never know who you might need one day. 

While writing this post, I'm watching Undercover Boss and this CEO is so emotional.  I'm crying too, but because I love seeing people recognized for their efforts and that's what this CEO has done with his employees.....

Now what is bothering me, pertaining what I started writing is that often, as a woman, as a black woman, I am judged by others based on their previous experiences with black women.  Whether those experiences are from real live people, or from watching television, I know that the perceptions built by these interactions are used to judge me even before I open my mouth.

My reaction to knowing this happens is to try to conform my personality to be acceptable for corporate America. Some people, especially minorities, do this seamlessly and seemingly without any effort. 
Me...on the other hand.....I'm mentally at a breaking point...thus this post. 
The code switching, the not being animated, the watching every word that comes out of my mouth, the fear of being misunderstood..oh and don't forget...Never show your emotions...and NEVER CRY (cause God forbid you are actually human)......I'm frustrated and I'm tired.  Mostly because I'm a highly emotional, passionate, animated, loud, extroverted person.  I'm all the things that scare the hell out of the average corporate American....so I squelch my personality and who I am to conform and make the people around me comfortable.  This is taxing and after a while....I'm wondering if it's worth it.

I hope that having my own company, dictating the culture, will bring me the peace of mind I want...but I won't know until I get to that point in my life. 

This is me...growing and learning while blogging.

Love,
FARE